5 Ways to Not Achieve Your Goals This Year

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Since the new year is right around the corner, here are a few thoughts to make sure that no matter what your goals, dreams and aspirations are, you can fail to achieve them all.

1.  Stop Learning & Being Curious

Success comes from being curious and resourceful. There are three types of learning a person can experience. There is educational learning which gives theoretical understanding of concepts, ideas and ideologies. Take some formal classes at your local university or learning facility. Second, is experiential learning. This happens in seminars, events, and trainings that require practice scenarios, role-playing and simulations. Third, is the actual application of the concepts, theories and ideas in real-life situations. You can read a book on sales, role play scenarios and then eventually you just have to pick up the phone and start to cold call. Experience is the greatest teacher. Understanding theory and role playing helps to build the confidence to immerse yourself in the real world experience. Learn, be curious and take action to apply what you learn.

 2.  Keep distracting yourself with TV & Internet

In 2009, Neilson ratings came out with a statistic that the average American watches 153 hours a month watching television. That is almost an entire week a month with nothing to show for it! The study also revealed that Americans spend an average of 29 hours per month on the internet. If you are what you eat, then isn’t your mindset influenced by what you put into it?

 3.  Keep up the “I’ll start tomorrow” thinking

Keep thinking that all of the little changes you could make today are not worth anything and you will start tomorrow. Many people start towards their goals and as soon as they experience an obstacle, get off track, and lose momentum or motivation, think that it is no use continuing. They sabotage their success with perfectionism. Success lies not in whether or not you fall off track, because you will, but how soon you can change, re-commit to your goal and get back on track. Nothing is too small to celebrate when creating change.

4.  Keep the Negative Messages Coming into your Brain

Are you surrounded by friends, colleagues, social media or environments that are negative and unsupportive? Upgrade your external influences by changing to more supportive people, places and things in your life. As they say in Feng Shui, clear the clutter in all the areas of your life that don’t support you and your goal. Clear the clutter in your mind by practicing to “say it the way you want it to be” in your life. Stop watching the new and feed your mind some uplifting, motivational, and supportive material.

5.  Stay Comfortable, Do the Same Thing You Are Doing Now

Most people don’t achieve something because they never stop and ask themselves, “What do I need to give up in order to make a space for this new goal in my life?” For example, if you want a relationship, are you stepping out and going different places, trying new experiences, and meeting new people? In an extreme, if you want a new car, are you selling the one you have now, have you test driven cars at the dealership and talked to your bank about a new loan? Are you willing to “burn your ship?” If the answer is no, how bad do you really want to experience your dreams, aspirations and goals? You have to make space for what you want to have.

 

So there you have it, five dynamic ways to ensure that you will be a total failure with your goals in the new year. You have, of course, my sincerest wish is for you to be a contrarian!!!  I wish you continued success in all of your endeavors.

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After Thanksgiving Thought

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Thank you to everyone who sent out their warm wishes for Thanksgiving. It is important to stop at times and remember all of the things in life that we are thankful for; friends, family, job, career, health, etc.

I was thinking about the holiday and wondered what it would be like if, in order to balance out Thanksgiving, we had a Receiving Day?

Some people have a hard time receiving the gifts offered to them and it costs them their self-confidence, personal power and self-worth.

It reminded me of the story of the little girl who was so excited and grateful that she and her daddy went out for ice cream. She got a big scoop of vanilla on a sugar cone and it was looking so good. As she stepped outside of the ice cream shop, she tripped forward and “SPLAT” went the ball of ice cream on the ground. Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked up at her daddy. But then, she noticed the sign in the window behind her daddy of a sugar cone with two and three scoops of ice cream. So, she started begging daddy to get the two and three scoop ice cream cones to replace the one she had just tipped off the cone. Did Dad go for it and get her the two or three scoop cone? No. If you can’t handle one scoop of ice cream, why would someone turn around and give you even more than you can handle?

The same principle applies with receiving.

When someone pays you a compliment, do you feel uncomfortable and do you feel automatically compelled to give that person a compliment in return? If someone offers to buy you lunch, do you start playing the “see who can sneak the credit card to the waiter first” game? If someone gives you a gift, do you feel compelled to get them a gift in return?

If the answer is yes, you might want to ask yourself whether or not it’s because you place less value and worth in yourself than the person giving you a gift. You send a signal to yourself that you are somehow a little “less than” or not as deserving as others might think. Talk about an undermining belief pattern!

In order to handle a second and third scoop, master the phrase, “Thank you.” And let it go.

That can be tricky since reciprocating is also a form of politeness, but then again, so is accepting a compliment graciously.

As often as you can, practice graciously accepting what your friends, co-workers, clients and life are offering you. Don’t be too quick to dismiss someone’s appreciation of you in an effort to appear humble.

Be a thankful and a gracious receiver.

Nothing is too small to be grateful for. Practice receiving compliments, money, and gifts this season with a simple and sincere, “Thank you.”

It may seem odd at first, but what you receive in return will be a real gift!

Thank you!!!

 

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5 Communication Blunders Guaranteed To Torpedo your Networking Efforts

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Behavioral assessments and hiring assessments will help you hire the right person for the job for the jobCommunication is everything and yet, it’s so easy to screw up. Sometimes we can fall into bad habits yet still think we are being effective. After all, how tough can it be to have a conversation with a potential client, strategic partner, or colleague?

If you’re married, I suspect you know how easy it is to miss your mark from time to time where effective communication is concerned. But it’s amazing how many times, in our work lives, we torpedo our own networking efforts by making every wrong move as we communicate.

So, for those of you curious about how to keep your business conversations short and unproductive, take note of these blunders!

  1. Talk constantly about yourself. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. Make sure that you let them know your entire life history, all of your personal troubles, and how you know everything there is to know about everything. After all, who wouldn’t be interested in you?
  2. Talk technical terms to non-technical people. Forget about sounding understandable, focus on sounding intelligent. Trust me, your audience will be thoroughly impressed with your depth of knowledge even if they are clueless as to what you just said. So make sure you go for that “deer in the headlights look” as you speak to them. Be sure and lose them in the conversation by overloading them with jargon and technicalities.
  3. Link everything they say to your own situations. Take whatever they are communicating to you and make sure they understand how it is the exact same thing that happened to you in the past and relate that experience to them. Make sure they remember that when it happened to you, it was ten times worse.
  4. Immediately tell them what they should do. It is always effective to jump straight to problem solving. Especially when they have not finished telling you all of the circumstances of the situation. That way, you can be sure and show them how smart you are by not having to understand the whole situation before you know the solution.
  5. Multi-task during the conversation. Nothing is more effective to let someone know how important they are than to interrupt the conversation to multi-task. Make sure you finish that email –they won’t notice anyway, keep your head down at your computer screen, and stop the conversation to see who just called or texted you.

So there you have it, the top 5 ways to make sure you effectively mis-communicate on the job.

When you master these steps, you will be very successful at keeping your conversations short and to the point. People will stop walking up to you at networking events or dropping by your desk for support, and will leave you alone. Not particularly effective in creating successful interactions with others, or growing your business, but great if you’d like a bit more time for personal reflection on how to communicate better.

For more tips and strategies about increasing your communication skills and personal effectiveness, go to www.evolutionforsuccess.com. James Murphy is a personal development expert, as well as a life and executive coach. He can be reached directly at 919-745-7569As Featured On EzineArticles

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A Great Reminder from Steve Jobs & Apple Computer

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The other day my daughter was telling me how proud she was of herself because she knows how to “divide by 2.” So I responded, “did you know you are brilliant, like Einstein?” Her response was, “even more!” I just laughed and told her she was right!

Apple Computers stated once,

“The crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules and have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them, because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.”

A lot of people are worried about the world now. But keep in mind, as always, there are people who get rich when the economy is down and people who go broke in an up economy. Now is the time to be a little crazy, a little bit of a rebel, or a troublemaker.

There is opportunity out there but it is like the last few minutes of an Easter Egg hunt. The eggs that were out in the open and easy to see have been taken. The opportunities are left for those who keep looking, don’t give up and think outside the box.

Stay associated to your goals, dreams, and visions. Trust yourself and keep the faith.  Let go of the “what ifs” and focus on what’s within your control and influence.  And Keep taking consistent action toward your goal.  No matter how small.

The end of the quote goes,

“the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

Be bold –whether in your thinking or in your actions! What might appear outlandish to others could be sheer genius!

***

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“How Can I Get Motivated?”, You Ask? –7 Steps to Get You Pumped Up

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7 Steps to Get Motivated to Take Action and Reach Your GoalsFeeling unmotivated? Uninspired? Emotionally or even physically tired at the very thought of rolling up your sleeves and taking action?

Here is a classic situation. You want something or you know you need to do something –whether it’s to get in shape or redouble your efforts to network in order to nurture more leads and grow your business. But no matter how much “you get it” intellectually, you’re in a slump. The drive’s not there. You can’t seem to get pumped up to tackle your goal with any energy let alone passion.

We’ve all been there at some point. But getting motivated is actually not as hard as it may seem.

Here are 7 simple steps to get motivated to kick ass and take names!

 

1- Change your physiology! Motion creates emotion, there is no two ways around that fact. You need to get some oxygen pumping in order to feel motivated. So straighten up in your chair, shoulders back, take some deep breath in and out. Or better yet, get up, move around the room. Turn on some music; go for a run; do anything to wake your body up and to “get in a peak state” as Tony Robbins would say. Now that you are awake and your blood is pumping…

 

2- Get associated with your goal! Put some emotion into it! Take 2 minutes and visualize yourself achieving your goal; dropping those 30lbs, winning that contract, landing that new job… close your eyes and feel what it will feel like. Really see it, hear it, feel it! Give your subconscious something to look forward to! The more senses you get involved in this process, the better.

 

3- Make a plan. Sometimes, the lack of motivation comes from feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work involved in accomplishing the task you set for yourself. If that’s the case, then it’s crucial you chunk down or break down what needs to be done into manageable “bites”. But even if overwhelm is not the main stumbling block, don’t skip this step. Make a plan with clear action steps and benchmarks so you can clearly assess your progress and celebrate all your “mini victories” on the way to your final destination. Success builds on itself, and by leaving the celebrating to the end, you rob yourself of the momentum the feeling of victory provides. So make a plan and celebrate as you go!

 

4- Commit and get leverage on yourself. Commit to yourself, commit to your loved ones, commit to your business partner… back yourself into a corner if you must; give yourself no other option but to do what you said you were going to do. Fo some, committing to yourself is enough, for others it means making your commitment public so you place additional pressure on yourself. And for others still, making a commitment can take the form of a competition, a bet with a friend or colleague, or even a stranger in cyberspace. If you are dealing with a fitness goal, get on Nike + and sign up for a challenge on their website in which you keep track of your mileage and compete against other runners. If you are looking at a business situation, make a bet with one of your peers. Apply enough pressure on yourself that you feel like you can’t back out. Speaking of peers, colleagues, and friends…

 

5- Get support! Some goals are such that they lend themselves to setting up a buddy system to create some accountability and maintain your motivation. But even if your specific goal doesn’t really lend itself to that type of support, find a different way to get it. Find inspiration from others who have succeeded at that specific task. Get pointers from experts in the field, or model others who have experienced massive success in that area. Surround yourself with a peer group that supports your endeavor. Hire a coach, enlist the support of a religious figure if that’s appropriate, seek out a mentor, or get support from your spouse. Get support somewhere!

 

6- Stay excited! In order to get motivated, you need to get associated with your goal. In order to STAY motivated, you need to stay associated with your goal. Reserve a few minutes each day to get your blood pumping, reconnect with your goal and see where you are in regards to your plan. Experiment with what works for you: I have clients who use affirmations each morning or each evening, others use their morning workouts to focus their mind on what it is that they want, why they want it, how they will feel when they get it, and review their plans. See what works for you, maybe it’s turning on some heart pumping music in your car or in your office and spending 10 minutes pumping yourself up.

 

7- Once you get there Celebrate! You’ve celebrated (hopefully) each intermediate steps on the way, now is time to celebrate in a big way! Anchor your victory and reinforce your internal belief that YOU CAN get motivated, YOU CAN succeed and in fact, YOU DID!!! It’ll make your next challenge easier to tackle as you start associating goals as opportunities to succeed rather than insurmountable or exhausting/intimidating endeavors.

 

Ready to jump off that couch yet? Excited to make things happen? Getting motivated is simply a matter of tapping into the emotions you will experience when you achieve your goal.

For more tips and strategies about increasing your motivation and personal effectiveness, boosting your self confidence and developing a clearer focus go to www.evolutionforsuccess.com. James Murphy is a personal development expert and executive coach. He can be reached directly at 919-745-7569.

Feeling Negative? Give It Everything You’ve Got!

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Whether it’s in your business, your personal life or your relationships, are you choosing to play at a 100%?Are you focusing on the positive or are you filled with negative thoughts

Sometimes I get a client on the phone who is so set on being negative, that no matter how many strategies you work with them to implement, none really hold water. It seems that at every twist and turn they are there to shoot the horse before the gates open and gets a chance to run the race.

These are great moments to play a little exercise with them. I tell them, “I don’t care whether you complain all day or are optimistic all day, just play life at 100%.”

At first they like the idea, then I get down to really explaining it.

  • If they are thinking down on themselves, then they ought to really get excited about it and tell everyone how they are such a loser; they should be happy to share that fact with the world, and really play full out!
  • If they are a complainer, then I tell them to really get serious about complaining. I mean, tell the whole office they are the best complainer in the business, prove it to everyone, and get that approval for being the biggest voice of dissent in the office. Tell the customers too, because after all, they have to go for it at 100% emotional involvement.
  • If they are going to be the last person promoted because of their bad attitude, then they better walk around the office like the proudest peacock in the pen, strutting their stuff and playing at 100%.

As you have guessed by now, by the end of the exercise most people just choose to step up, find a different, more empowering perspective and be more positive in their approach to things.

When you approach life promising to play full out, and do so consciously, very few people take the strategy of making a fool of themselves with 100% negativity. It puts things into perspective when life is at 100%.

Play and consciously live a full life at 100% in all that you do. When at work, work hard. When at home with the family and spouse, live and love hard! When tuckered out on the weekend and you need a little down time watching the football game or going to get a manicure/pedicure/massage; relax, enjoy and play at 100%.

Life is much more fulfilling when you strive to live in a “peak state” in all you do. If you have any doubt, check out this clip of Tony Robbins. He’s perfected the art of putting himself in a peak state!

And, next time you see the office grouch coming along, suggest that they do it “correctly”. Tell them, “If you are going to have that attitude, at least play life full out, at 100% and be proud of who you are!” Help them to really be conscious of their attitude and not be half-way about it! Celebrate the fact they are the biggest whiner in the office, tell everyone about it, have a party for them! See how long they stay that way and how hard they work to prove you wrong!

 

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4 Steps to Increase Your Self-Confidence Today!

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One dose of self-confidence for the guy in the corner, please!

There are two core basic needs that everyone strives to have fulfilled in their life: experience unconditional love and have a sense of value and worth.

Everyone works to meet these internally and externally.
The problem is that the needs have to be met internally first, otherwise, no matter how much love a person gets from others or how much other people to work to build their sense of value and worth, it will never be enough and a void will be present.

Self-confidence needs to be nurtured on four different levels:

  • mental,
  • emotional,
  • physical and
  • spiritual.

So, that begs the question, “How can a person develop more self-confidence” for themselves internally?

Glad you asked!

You develop self confidence when, you decide to take a specific action, so that you can earn and deserve the right to feel good about yourself, and then celebrate your success.

Let’s break it down and see why this seems so simple and yet it can be so challenging to accomplish.

1- “you need to decide.”

This is challenging because this step requires a person to really stop, define what is important to them, and CHOOSE what action to take that will lead them to a desired outcome.

This action has to be for you, about you, and be meaningful to you and you alone. It can’t PRIMARILY be for your spouse, kids, preacher, mom, dad, friends, or any other social influence. It has to be for you first.

2 – it has to be a specific action

Specific and measureable actions mean that once you have achieved the action you have to be aware of it. This gives absolute proof so you can’t talk yourself out of celebrating!

It is not enough to say that you are going to call some people. You have to specific, “I am going to call 5 prospects today and ask for referrals.” Even then, some people say, “well, I did call 5, but I could have called 10.” That’s a no-no!

3- “so you can earn and deserve.”
I have said it a thousand times. When you define any goal, you automatically put all of your obstacles in place. If you are going to feel good about yourself, you have to set a specific goal meaningful to you and take action to overcome the obstacles (mental, emotional, physical and spiritual) the goal came with, before you feel that you have “earned and deserve” the right to feel good about yourself.

“Earned and deserve” implies that you have put some work, overcome adversity, and succeeded in the task you set out for yourself. This is where self respect, integrity, honor, and courage are bred.

Then and only then, when all three steps have been accomplished INSIDE OF YOURSELF can you really feel like you deserve that feeling of self-confidence. It is not free. Self-confidence does not just stop by, ring the doorbell, share a pizza with you on the couch, and miraculously, when you get up the next morning, you have lost a pound, feel great about yourself, and are full of energy! Would be terrific if it worked that way, but sadly, it does not!

4- once you achieve your goals, you have to celebrate!
And, I recommend that you celebrate at 100%. If you want the self-confidence to stick, you had better celebrate and anchor in the great feelings.

If you talk yourself out of your success with language such as, “Yeah, but I should have done more, I could have been better, I need to work harder” Self-confidence does not stay for long. It is good for you to acknowledge yourself and being great, working hard, and achieving success.

NOTHING IS TOO SMALL TO CELEBRATE!

So, there you have it! Self-confidence in a can!

Comment below and let me know what you do to develop confidence in your life. I bet your list is a lot longer than you think it is!

Your Beliefs Hold the Key to Your Results and Your Success

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Have you ever been wrong?

Our beliefs –whether rooted in the truth or not– are directly connected to the results we get and the personal and professional success we experience.

In our subdivision, there is a very large fountain that welcomes visitors and residents into the neighborhood. My son Nicolas and I were out running the other day, and as we approached the fountain, I noticed it was not working. I made an offhand comment to Nicolas, something to the effect of, “That’s strange, they don’t have the fountain on today.” Quick as a whistle, Nicolas said, “That’s OK Dad. I will make it come on in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. NOW! Look, its magic!” And, the fountain turned on!

There was another time during my military training where we had to qualify with our M-16’s. I had never qualified “Expert” in any of our training and there were very few of us who were optimistic about their performance on qualification day. It’s hard to shoot straight when you are sleep deprived and shivering in 40 degree, rainy weather! As you could surmise, many of my colleagues were very competitive and there was a lot of posturing over who would score Expert and who wouldn’t. When all was said and done I scored 39 hits out of 40, an Expert. It was the best I had ever shot. As I walked back, I was still in disbelief. It took me a while to believe I had could have, and did, perform so well.

Each of us possess beliefs we hold to be true that have been created or that we adopted from peers and society. I have to ask, “Have you ever been wrong?”

  • What do others believe to be true about you and your life right now?
  • What do you believe to be true about you and your life right now?
  • What if what you thought was true, was in fact wrong?
Other peoples’ beliefs about you and what you are capable of achieving in life are not true. Whatever you or others think you are; you are more than that. Whatever you or others think you can achieve in life, you can achieve more than that. Other people’s beliefs do not determine your results, however, your beliefs do determine your results. Many times success in life comes by being one step ahead of the norms and beliefs that society holds to be true.

And as for the mystery of the fountain, I had been looking down as Nicolas and I were running. I did not see that the fountain stopped half a second before I looked up. As a result, what I perceived to be true, was wrong. Many times in life our perceptions of what is true, are false.

The people who succeed in the next ten years and experience prosperity will be able to challenge what they and others believe to be right. What if now was the best time to invest, make money, and succeed?

If you find yourself stuck with no way out, not believing in yourself, or surrounded by others who are sharing their doom and gloom, ask yourself, “Have I (or they) ever been wrong? What if they were?”

There is amazing potential and opportunity waiting for you in life at this very moment. In order to seize these opportunities, you might have to challenge someone’s long held belief, and maybe even a few of your own!

 

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Lessons from John D. Rockefeller Jr.

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Having a vision and showing Perseverance paid off for RockefellerWe just returned from a great 5-day trip to the “Big Apple” and found that it is truly, the city that never sleeps!

New York is such a wonderful city; full of history, lore, and energy. On our itinerary was Rockefeller Center.

This famous landmark was developed by John D Rockefeller Jr and was originally supposed to house the Metropolitan opera. But, when the Stock Market crashed in 1929, the deal fell through and the building was almost never built.

Rockefeller had a tough decision to make. In the end, he chose to move forward and personally funded the entire project without any planned tenants. A bold move!

As the construction of the tower progressed, it created over 7,500 jobs for almost 10 years smack in the middle of the Great Depression. It became a landmark and a symbol of hope in a time of great adversity and hardship. Eventually, Rockefeller found his first tenant, and Radio City Music Hall was born.

I found it ironic that when we went in for the tour and climb to the Top of the Rock, as it is called, it was bright and sunny. But by the time we reached the observation deck, a very powerful downpour had ensued and the visibility dropped to a few hundred feet.

As we worked through our disappointment of not getting any pictures of Central Park, the Empire State Building or a dramatic sunset, something amazing happened. After about fifteen minutes, the storm dissipated. The suns rays broke through the clouds, and it seemed as if the light of heaven shone through on the New York City skyline. We were rewarded with a full double rainbow over Manhattan! Spectacular!

Of course many factors played a part in John D. Rockefeller, Jr.’s success in this project. But above all, he had a vision and a dream that extended beyond himself.

Before riding the elevator to the top, there is an interpretation of a Bible verse Rockefeller lived by:

“Unto he who much is given, much shall be required.”

Rockefeller exemplified and lived this philosophy. He was resolute and forged ahead in the middle of the Depression, with no guarantee of a tenant for the building. And in the end, he made his vision come to life.

We have all been given much, in terms of our own special gifts and talents. And in fact, much shall be required of us to create a life of purpose and meaning –even when things are hard or uncertain; especially then.

It is true life stories like Rockefeller Center’s history that make New York such a special place. They exemplify living a life on your own terms, having dreams, and making them come true.

Build your own skyscraper today!!! and enjoy the view; others will too!

 

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More great movie quotes

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A couple of weeks ago, I talked about my favorite movie quotes from the trilogy, “The Matrix.” Thank you for all of the emails and replies with your favorite movie quotes. I wanted to share those this week since the response was so overwhelming.  Here are some of the best ones!
  • “You think everybody else is the problem, but you’re the problem, Annie. You’re the solution too.” ~Bridesmaids
  • “The question is not what are we going to do, the question is what aren’t we going to do?” ~Ferris Bueller
  • “I told you I would always come for you. Why didn’t you wait for me?   Well… you were dead. Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.” …and… “We’ll never survive. Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.” ~Princess Bride
  • “As God is my witness, they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again.   ~Gone with the Wind
  • “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”  ~Shawshank Redemption
  • “Show me the money!”   ~Jerry Maguire
  • “I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubble gum.” ~They Live
And here are two of my other all-time favorites!
  • “So we finish 18 and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”~Caddyshack
  • “What? Over? Did you say ‘over’? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!”  ~Animal House
I hope these made you smile.  Have a fantastic week!

Everything I need in life I learned from "The Matrix"

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Everyone loves a great movie and once in a while, a movie comes along that has the right amount of action, character development, intrigue and a REAL MESSAGE in it. 


The Matrix trilogy is 100% based in the psychology of personal responsibility, choice, and the belief that we create our reality. Here are some great lines from the movie that all contain a messages of empowerment, personal choice and our ability to create the life that we desire.

  • It is a good idea to keep in mind that everything you know could be wrong.
  • In life, there isn’t just one matrix, there are many. Meaningless work, TV and corrosive relationships just to name three. How many of them “have” you?
  • Even a hero can get scared, drop his phones off the side of a building and give up. He just doesn’t let it end that way.
  • Sometimes everything hangs by a single decision: red pill or blue pill. But often that critical choice isn’t always so obvious. It could come at any time. It could be right now.
  • What are you waiting for? You’re faster than this. Don’t think you are…know you are. Come on! Stop trying to hit me and hit me!
  • You have to let it all go, Neo: Fear, Doubt, Disbelief. Free…your…mind.
  • When it comes to leaping from skyscraper to skyscraper, everyone falls the first time. It doesn’t mean anything.
  • I have these memories from my life. None of them happened. What does that mean? That the Matrix can not tell you who you are.
  • Sorry kid. You’ve got the gift. But it looks like you are waiting for something.
  • There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
  • I didn’t come here to tell you how it is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I’m going to hang up this phone and then I’m going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world without you: a world without controls, without borders or boundaries, a world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is up to you.

So, what are your favorite movie lines? How about, “Oh Captain, my Captain!” (Dead Poet’s Society) “Freedom!” (Braveheart) and one of my all time favorites, “Be the ball!” (Caddyshack).  I would love to hear yours!


Until next time!


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The Number 1 Red Flag That Your Marriage or Relationship Is Headed for Disaster

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Life coaching is about personal development and personal growthGuys, if your wife stops talking, start worrying!

The topic of marriage and relationships consistently comes up in my coaching. I particularly enjoy working with clients on those issues relating to relationships because although marriage can be a great source of emotional turmoil and pain, it can also be the greatest source of happiness and feeling of connectedness one can experience. Being able to spot the earliest signs of trouble can help us make a course correction before it’s too late.

There are predictable patterns that point in the direction of disaster, but often, we as men, misinterpret the signals and assume our marriage is headed for fairer weather after a rough patch, instead of realizing we are headed for deadly waters.

One of those patterns looks like this…

A wife –not yours of course– is dissatisfied with something. She’s unhappy. Something is not working for her in the relationship. Maybe she’s not feeling heard, supported, cherished, or understood. And so, she talks. And she talks. She’s communicating and expressing her frustration or unhappiness.

Now if her partner is like most men, he’s not enjoying this process at all. She’s emotional and sometimes volatile, and it’s difficult to stay focused on the specific source of her unhappiness and not feel personally attacked. So her partner shuts down. He retreats in his proverbial cave. He may do that by tuning her out, physically leaving, or listening and quickly returning his focus on a friendlier topic. Of course, it does nothing to resolve the issue at hand, but let’s face it, running for the hills until she’s in a happier place can look very appealing at times!

If he continues to strive to avoid her emotionalism and consistently retreats to his cave until the coast is clear, his wife, feeling completely unheard, will grow more and more frustrated and she’s likely to continue expressing her unhappiness with more and more passion.

Until she stops.

On her side, this signals that the relationship is over. Emotionally, she has given up and disengaged. She’s done.

From his perspective, the relationship just took a turn for the better. He misinterprets this silence to mean that everything is OK. The “nagging and complaining” has stopped and there is peace! She seems to be doing things to make herself happy and she has ceased to focus on what’s not working in their marriage. Life is good again.

He could not be farther from the truth!

She’s planning her exit strategy! It may be quick or it make take years. But nevertheless she’s lost all hope that this marriage is workable and she’s preparing to walk. She might be going back to school or work if she wasn’t working outside the home previously or she might make career choices that will make the transition easier. She might find another love interest or become open to the idea, or she might shift her focus to more fulfilling family relationships like her children until the time is right.

When the day comes that she serves her husband divorce papers, he’s shocked. He thought things were great –maybe not great exactly, but good. This is coming out of the blue. Often, this is the point where he becomes very motivated to address what was not working in the marriage and he’s baffled to hear that she has no interest in repairing the marriage. She left emotionally a long time ago. She has worked through many of her feelings and although she may have more grieving to do, she’s way beyond turning back.

The irony here is that sometimes, this will be the trigger for him to change and adopt different behaviors and different beliefs. And if he moves on to another marriage, he may have become the man his first wife had hope he would be, which can be a source of sadness or anger for his ex-wife –but that’s another story.

The bottom line is that when it comes to marriage, silence is deadly, not golden. As uncomfortable as addressing the issues affecting our marriages may be, repeatedly running for the hills is often the surest way to get her to run for the door.

To your continued success,

James

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To Reach Your Goals, Sometimes the Trick is to Underachieve!

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Easter weekend is almost always filled with sunshine here in Raleigh, NC. The warm Spring weather usually leads to planting a myriad of trees, bushes, and annuals. Keeping true to form, I spent most of Saturday creating a rose garden in the back of our home.
As I was working, I found myself enjoying the thoughts of running again. The gorgeous weather urged me to put on my running shoes again and hit the trail. After the last six months of training, it was nice to think of going for a nice leisurely jog for three or four miles with no specific outcome, just running for the sheer joy of running — no expectations.
I so often talk about dreaming big, setting a huge goal, and taking massive action but sometimes, big goals lead to huge expectations, which can get the best of us. Huge expectations can often lead to being more overwhelmed or drained of energy than motivated and energized. 
When that happens, switch gears entirely and seek to underachieve! You read right: lower your aim. If you decided back in January to get in shape and lose twenty pounds but now you’re spending more time telling yourself you have to get to the gym than you actually are, change your approach.
Decide to go walk or run 20 minutes each day. One of 2 things will happen: either after the successful small workout, you’ll feel terrific and conclude this was doable. In which case, grabbing your running shoes tomorrow won’t seem so daunting. Result: total success; you have stopped thinking about what you have to do and you’re moving! Or, after 20 minutes, you will be so into it that you will continue running for another 5, 10, or even 20 more minutes. Imagine how pumped you’ll feel then! All the extra time spent exercising is a total bonus because you have only committed to 20. No one is expecting you to do more. Everything you have done above that is for the pure joy of the experience and creates feelings of massive success.
Success has a momentum all its own and will build on itself, just like the expectations. Sometimes what you need to get you started (and get you out of procrastination mode) is setting a goal that’s achievable right now. The initial outcome is not your ultimate goal, but sometimes to jump higher you need to lower the bar a bit. High jumpers don’t go for their personal best without warming up first! Once you’re in action and the adrenaline takes effect, you’ll gain momentum and naturally move toward succeeding at your bigger goals. 
So maybe if I hit the trail, I’ll only run 3 miles, for the sheer joy of feeling alive and vibrant. But in all likelihood, I’ll keep going a bit longer. And if I don’t, that’s all right, I’ll be out running again the next day because I can fit those miles in without pressure, and experience true feelings of success.
To your continued success,
James

Are you taking steps toward what you want?

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When would you like to make your first million? When would you like to find and marry your soul mate? When would you like to drop those extra pounds so you look good this summer? When would you like to find a better sense of peace in your life? When would you like to get to that next promotion and pay raise at work?
If you are like most people, the answer to all of these questions is easy. I am sure you would like to have had it all yesterday! Maybe a person could settle for right now, but yesterday would probably have been better!
It is true that whatever you want, you can’t have it yesterday. However, you can choose to take action towards those results right now. If you want that million dollars and pass on making that extra payment to pay off your debt, you are missing out on having that million dollars for now. If you fail to smile and just say hello to that attractive guy or gal at the grocery store, you might be missing out on your soul mate. If you don’t leave just one more bite of food on your plate than you did yesterday, you are missing out on that great beach body. 
A person may say, “But James, that one extra payment, smile, and bite of food are not enough!” Says who? If you are not willing to manage your money and will waste an opportunity to take a step toward being debt free, how can you manage a million? If you are not willing to give more than you expect back in a relationship and pass on a smile that may make someone’s day go from bad to great, how can you emotionally support your soul mate? If you can’t pass on that one bite of food and eat 40 less calories at every meal (840 calories a week is almost 1/3 lb), then how will you be able to manage passing on all of the deserts when you are out with friends so you can feel fantastic on the beach?
Managing your life comes down to managing moments. If the small results are not enough for you to acknowledge and appreciate, you may never have the appreciation for attaining the end goal. We are the ones who make things bigger, harder, and more difficult than they need to be. Why not make feeling good about yourself and your actions be easy? How many more happy people would there be in the world. Life is only as difficult as you make it! 
The key to getting results NOW is to manage and appreciate the moments and the immediate actions you take right now in order to make a difference in your life.  
To  your continued success, 
James

Do You Have a Success Plan?

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The gun went off at 6:00 am, Saturday morning, April 2, 2011. Twenty seven hours, 44 minutes and 34 seconds later, I crossed the finish line completing my first 100-mile Ultramarathon. What allowed me to succeed? Two things: a plan and my word!

It seems surreal even now. As I have gone over the event in my mind for the last few days, I think about the key factors that enabled me to reach my goal. It certainly was not all due to my training because in all reality, I trained harder and more consistently for the fifty mile race that I completed last year. It was not due to my superior health because I weigh a little more than I did last year at this time. So what was it? 

First, I got clear on what my outcome was.  I decided I wanted to complete the race in under 30 hours.  I did some research and I found a plan I could follow to do just that. Provided I ran the first 50 miles in less than 13 hrs, I could complete the race in twenty eight hours with two to spare for unexpected emergencies. I printed out the plan and put it in my race belt. It became my bible during the race. It broke down the lap times so that I had smaller goals to accomplish on the way to the bigger picture. I set small steps and overachieved each lap by about fifteen to twenty minutes. I used these minutes to take care of my body: changing shoes, shirts, and socks, using a full jar of Vaseline, and getting medical support. When I lost the map after the 6th lap, I felt like I had lost my best friend (I later found it). The plan saved me from destruction. It allowed me to focus on the small consistent actions that made the difference between success and failure: filling the water bottle each station, eating at each aid station, taking my electrolyte caps each hour, and consistently checking my watch to measure my progress versus the plan. 

The second thing that kept me going was my word. I created a tremendous amount of leverage for myself to accomplish this goal. I told my friends, my family, my clients, and everyone on every social media network I am involved with, that I was going to do this! Most importantly, I told myself that I was going to give this everything that I had! I did not give myself an escape route anywhere. 

There were times I could have quit. Before starting lap seven (after 75 miles) the Red Cross Medic looked at my feet and told me there was nothing they could do for my feet since the pain did not come from an external blister but an internal separation of skin. If I wanted to continue, all I could do was to slap on some Vaseline and suck it up. There were also several times in lap eight when I actually stopped and told my pacer that I wanted to quit, period. I was done. And, even as I said the words out loud, doubled over in pain, I knew that I could not look at myself in the mirror when I got home if I didn’t give it everything I had. And, unless I blacked out and they took me away in an ambulance, I could not stop. In those moments, I looked down deeper into myself than ever before, checked my handwritten plan, pulled myself together, and kept on going. 

It is ironic as I look back on my life, that 21 years ago, I could not run a mile.  It’s clear that if a person wants to have a full life they are proud of, success takes work and effort. It took just as much work and effort emotionally 21 years ago for me to push myself to run 8 laps, walk 4, run 4 more; to tell myself that I could run three miles and then keep on doing it every other day for the next 6 months. The only difference between then and now is that I have conditioned myself to take on bigger goals. My first 10K seemed like an eternity.  The first marathon I signed up for I never ran, but I signed up again and the next year I ran my first ˝ marathon followed by my first full marathon.  The first 100-miler I signed up for I cancelled but the following year I ran 50 miles. This year, I learned everything I needed to learn to complete a 100-mile race and accomplished something that had enormous meaning for me.  The road to succ ess has not come in a straight line.  I’ve tried and “failed” at times, I have fallen on my face and come short on some of my goals.  Yet, I have gotten back up and tried again, and again set in the conviction that our past does not equal our future.  By having a plan for success, a system to follow, and by putting enough leverage on myself to accomplish my goal, I put all the chances for success on my side.

Whether you are reaching for a small goal or a big goal, whether it has to do with your personal life or your business, success will always take work. To achieve all that you want in life remember that having a good plan that you can rely upon and keeping your word –to yourself and others– will always serve you well, even when all you want to do is quit!

To your continued success,

James 

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