5 Strategies to fight off stress, anxiety and growing irritation during the current Coronavirus pandemic

in , , , , , ,
Stay calm and fight off stress, anxiety, and irritation during Coronavirus quarantine

Or… “how to not go off on the people you love and stay calm when you are in quarantine together”

Between the stress, anxiety and uncertainty the coronavirus (Covid-19) has brought to everyone’s life and the added strain of working from home, self-isolating or self-distancing, it can be a struggle to stay patient and calm with our loved ones at home. It’s easy to slide into a permanent state of irritation and moodiness, particularly when the days stretch on and on. Even with the best of intentions, quarantine doesn’t always bring out the best in us. Nerves can get frazzled and tempers can grow shorter, no matter what our normal temperament’s baseline is.

But even in a crisis, we have control over some things. Namely, we can control our emotional state and we can work to show up as the best “self”, “parent” or “spouse” we can. Here are my top 5 tips to show up as the “best you.”

First, the obvious: Make sure you feel good physically. 

Some basic self-care will go a long way to control your emotional state. Make sure you get an adequate amount of sleep (that’s not optional – there is no substitute for sleep), fuel your body a wide variety of nutrients-rich foods (code word for increase your intake of fruits and vegetables both in number and amount to ensure you get both the macros and micronutrients your body needs to feel its best) and get a minimum amount of exercise to keep your immune system humming normally (try to do an hour per day of moderate intensity exercise –it will boost your mood and your immune system).

Beyond the basics, here are some tips to help you keep your patience and wrangle in your temper in the days ahead.

 1- Stand at the gates of your mind

Know yourself and use the strategies that works for you.  For some people, reading about the coronavirus and Covid-19 brings them a sense of knowledge they find reassuring or comforting. Knowing is better than not knowing. But for others, consuming this information only adds to their anxiety and overwhelm. Be honest with yourself and determine how much information you need. One strategy is to limit yourself to this type of news to once a day in the morning for instance. 

Another very powerful strategy is to be very selective as to where you get your information from. Social media and traditional news channels are not always the most credible source. Get your information from the most direct, neutral sources you can. The World Health Organization, the CDC or Johns Hopkins can provide you the facts you need without editorializing or promoting a political agenda.

Ultimately, for most of us, no matter how much we might crave information, “standing at the gates of our mind” means periodically taking a break from the barrage of news so we can detach and recharge.

 2- Don’t reinvent the wheel

Although this crisis is unprecedented, this is not the first time you have experienced stress. Trying out new coping strategies in the midst of turmoil can be daunting, so double down on the strategies that have worked for you in the past. 

If you know going on a run or working out has a calming effect on you (and it’s feasible), fit in a few extra sessions throughout your week to burn off some of that excess nervous energy. If meditating has been effective in the past, be more diligent at fitting meditation and mindfulness sessions into your daily routine. Keep your CEO Morning Routine to stay focused on your business and finding opportunities.

For some, getting up before everyone else in the house and doing something for yourself to stay centered is a very effective strategy. Whether it’s making yourself a cup of coffee and getting a little bit of alone time to center yourself, getting some fresh air and sunlight before the busyness of the day starts, or spending that time journalling or writing down what your goals are for the day, taking a little time for yourself first thing in the morning can make a big difference in how you approach the rest of your day. 

 3- Use a pattern interrupt to stop yourself from losing it in the heat of the moment. 

When you feel the growing irritation and you feel yourself getting angry, use a pattern interrupt to delay your response to the person you want to address.

One of the most effective way to do that is to do a self check of your emotions. Are you actually angry about the situation? Is something your spouse or children doing truly driving you crazy because it’s going against one of your internal rules? Or are you displacing tension you feel about something else and placing it on this situation. Taking a minute to stop and do this self-checkin of your emotions, forces you to step back from your immediate response and analyze what is really going on. It might be that you are ytuly annoyed about what is going on, or you may find that frustration has been building up inside of you all day and it’s not at all about your loved ones’ behavior. Regardless, taking stock of where you are in your head, gives you a chance to delay your response so that when you do respond it is more intentional and less reactionary.

At times, interrupting the pattern might mean stopping yourself short by focusing on gratitude or using humor to relieve the tension.  It might not be your instinctive response, but just like a muscle, it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced until it can become your default response which will buy you time until you can think it through.

For instance, before you go off on your 10 year old for barging into your conference call, take a deep breath (from your belly) — and a few seconds– to direct your mind to notice what is good around you. Mentally list what you are grateful for in that moment. What is good about this? What is funny about this? Relax your face, breathe and reframe your thinking. 

If you can feel the anger, frustration or irritation still lying underneath the surface, start a conversation with someone about an unrelated topic, or make a phone call to someone who matters to you. By forcing your mind to change gears and your body to adopt a softer demeanor, you will give yourself a fighting chance to regain control and perspective about the situation. 

Delay your reaction and response to frustration. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Instead of giving your kids a Time Out, give yourself a Time Out to regain control when your patience runs thin. 

4- Take action

Part of the growing restlessness and irritability that comes with being under stress for prolonged periods of time is that our bodies are designed to respond to stress by producing chemicals to reduce pain and prompt action. It makes sense from an evolutionary background, faced with a bear, the rush of adrenaline to escape immediate danger is a good thing. But that same physical response doesn’t serve us very well when we are under chronic stress and perpetually stuck in close quarters with our loved ones. 

Instead of fighting the biological urge to do something and respond, go with it and take action. In the moment that might mean finding the most immediate solution and removing the current stressor like closing (and locking) the door so you can focus on your call and delay addressing your child. Or it can mean harnessing your emotions and frustration, and focusing them on something you have control over like making an action plan for your business, or starting on a home project. 

 5- Cultivate an attitude of compassion and gratitude 

If you do lose your cool, remember that compassion towards yourself is just as important as showing compassions to those around you. Recognize you let your emotions get the best of you, take responsibility for your words and actions, own the shame and guilt that comes with disappointing yourself and hurting the people you love, recommit to showing up better, and give yourself some grace. 

These are trying times and often it’s the little things that set us off. It’s the child who leaves the lights on, it’s the spouse that takes the last drop of coffee or the dog that barks during a conference call. Allow for some irritability and emotionalism both in yourself and those who share space with you. Recognize that everyone under your roof is adjusting to a new situation and it’s natural for your 5 year old to want you to play with him in the middle of the day for instance. Afterall, until recently, your being home meant you were “off” and available to read a book or play. Practicing compassion and empathy each day can help you keep in mind that your loved ones are doing what they’re doing because they are trying to meet their needs, and not intentionally trying to irritate you or stop you from doing what needs to be done. 

It’s easier to let things go with a few simple words, “please forgive me, I didn’t mean to…” accompanied by a short phrase of why you were stressed. Kids forgive and forget so easily, take it easy on yourself too.

Over the longer term, focusing on something other than your own life, whether it be volunteering or helping neighbors for instance, can also help you harness that excess tension and use it to make a difference for your community. 

Helping others can give you an outlet and be an effective antidote to the feelings of powerlessness or frustration you might experience in the face of this pandemic. It can provide you with a sense of higher purpose from which you can draw strength and perspective when the crisis drags on. And it can be a powerful  “compared to what” that keeps you centered on what matters. 

When anger and frustration strike, remember the effective strategies and coping tools you have used in the past. Bring them to life again, adjust where you need and add any new ones to fill in the gaps. 

Do You Hate Hallmark Holidays? Unleash New Passion on Valentine’s Day!

in , ,

Up the passion in your relationshipsIs it time to shake things up in your love life and create more passion, fun, and  intimacy?  Relationships can’t be sustained on past memories or with the same gifts year after year.  So step outside of the ‘Hallmark-Have-tos” and do something different this year!    

Tony Robbins® likes to say, “Your life is a direct reflection of the quality of questions you ask yourself every moment of the day.”  As an Executive Business Coach, one of the foundations of my practice is asking powerful, engaging questions.  So here are 3 simple questions that will unlock new passion in your relationship on Valentine’s Day this year.

Before Valentine’s Day, ask your partner these 3 questions and look for his or her response to each question.  Which one elicits a more emotional response? (Note: these are NLP-neuro linguistic programming based questions; use emotion!)

In order to know you are totally loved, is it necessary for you:

  1. To be taken places and bought things, or to be looked at in a certain way? 
  2. OR is it necessary for you to hear certain words or a certain tone of voice?
  3. OR is it necessary for you to be touched a certain way, held, or have some type of physical contact? 

Everyone has a preferred love strategy.  And the way to get your partner more motivated this Valentine’s Day is to make sure you love her in her way, not yours.  Relationships grow and real love happens when you give to your partner in their own “love language”. 

Based on your partner’s response, here are some simple tips:

LOOK:  If he or she responds more to being bought gifts, taken places, or being looked at in a certain way, focus your energy on going out to dinner, buying that special gift or presenting her with a bouquet of flowers.  Give him or her a visual representation of your love, whether it’s in the way you look at her all glammed up at dinner or in a physical reminder of how much she means to you.  

HEAR:  If on the other hand, your partner seems to care much more about your words, reach for your pen!  Your love note will hit its mark.  But don’t stop there.  Make a concerted effort to reach out throughout the day on that day and share your feelings. 

TOUCH:  If your partner is more of a touchy-feely person, you might want to skip the greeting card and reach for the massage oil!  In any case, make a point to connect with him or her in a physical way at some point in the day.  Snuggle first thing before waking up, hold her hand on the way to dinner, don’t keep your distance… Find a way to help her feel what she means to you.

Relationship Coaching to improve the passion in your relatiionshipsFor more ideas on loving your partner in their own Love Language, check out my other post on the 5 Love Languages. 

Stop the Hallmark insanity. Invest in your relationship and create your own passion this Valentine’s Day!  

…And guys, here is a coaching tip for you!  If “Talk” is her top Love Language, link a new habit with an existing habit.  Pick up a few extra cards, put them in your glove box and when you take your car for an oil check, they will be a reminder for you to create an impromptu Valentine’s Day for her. She deserves to be appreciated more than once a year!  

The Best Holiday Gift Ever…

in ,

Last night, my wife asked that dreaded question, “What should we get the kids for Christmas this year?” My mind immediately flashed to pictures of sitting on the couch with my daughter flipping through endless pages of American Girl, Target, and Toys-R-Us ads, and I groaned.

You have heard the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Well, that does NOT work when it comes to gift giving.

It is actually much better to, “Do unto others as they want you to do unto them.” But what do they really want?

Do they really want what is on their list or are they in love with the idea of having what is on the list? For example, we still have that Easy Bake oven in the pantry that was used once, the Lego kit still that has had more interaction with the vacuum cleaner than my kids or the cool flashlights that are still encased in plastic in the bottom of the junk drawer.

How many times have thought of the perfect gift and in the moment of giving, the moment of love, joy and connection you hoped for never came?

So, how can you give a gift this Holiday Season that your loved one truly wants, would really use, and be meaningful to both of you?

It comes down to understanding how they “love to be loved.”

I have covered this psychology previously but it bears repeating this holiday season because we typically: buy what we think is great for them (and they don’t love it) or we buy what they “think” they want on an emotional impulse or idea (like flipping through the American Girl catalogue) but when they get it, the idea was greater than the gift itself.

According to Gary Chapman, people can be loved in 5 different patterns and everyone has their natural hierarchy of preference. They are

    • Spending Time,
    • Physical Touch,
    • Verbal or Written Tell,
    • Doing Things (acts of service) or
    • Buying Things (material gifts).

To find a persons’ love preference just ask, “Give me a few examples of when you have known you were loved the most?”

I asked my son that when he was 6 and he said, “When you snuggle and cuddle with me and watch movies.” (Time & Touch) The next Easter, with tremendous insight, the Easter Bunny brought him a new kind of Easter basket filled with coupons for Time together (tickle time, extra reading time, cuddle time), movie coupons, money for popcorn at the movies, books for reading time, and trip to the book store. (and much to his parents’ delight, hardly any candy and other junk) He said, “It was the best Bunny-Visit ever!”

We have a friend who has made a habit of giving his wife “experiences” for her birthday or for the holidays.  She has been the happy recipient of “girlfriends getaway weekends”, “tennis lessons”, “rowing lessons” as well as “romantic weekend” trips.  Year after year, she feels cherished and love by these acts of service in a way jewelry could never do.

So, as we move into this Holiday season, “When have you felt most loved?” And more importantly, before you whip out your wallet, “When has your loved one felt most loved?” Give the gift that will make them the happiest.  Find a gift that speaks to their love language. You will be surprised how it can ease the financial strain, create more loving moments with those you love, and it too, could be the most meaningful “Santa-visit” ever.

Liked This Article?  Subscribe and Get my Thought of The Week newsletter directly in your inbox!  (You’ll also get a free copy of my “Emotional Mastery” training and my Free Special Report “5 Steps to Stop Procrastinating“)

Men, Women, and Relationships – Find Humor In Your Differences!

in ,

Life coaching is about personal development and personal growthTune in to overhear a deep and meaningful conversation between Elaine & Roger. You will laugh out loud as you hear the differences between the male and female perspectives.

Finding humor in your relationships will add many happy years to it!

The Number 1 Red Flag That Your Marriage or Relationship Is Headed for Disaster

in , , , ,
Life coaching is about personal development and personal growthGuys, if your wife stops talking, start worrying!

The topic of marriage and relationships consistently comes up in my coaching. I particularly enjoy working with clients on those issues relating to relationships because although marriage can be a great source of emotional turmoil and pain, it can also be the greatest source of happiness and feeling of connectedness one can experience. Being able to spot the earliest signs of trouble can help us make a course correction before it’s too late.

There are predictable patterns that point in the direction of disaster, but often, we as men, misinterpret the signals and assume our marriage is headed for fairer weather after a rough patch, instead of realizing we are headed for deadly waters.

One of those patterns looks like this…

A wife –not yours of course– is dissatisfied with something. She’s unhappy. Something is not working for her in the relationship. Maybe she’s not feeling heard, supported, cherished, or understood. And so, she talks. And she talks. She’s communicating and expressing her frustration or unhappiness.

Now if her partner is like most men, he’s not enjoying this process at all. She’s emotional and sometimes volatile, and it’s difficult to stay focused on the specific source of her unhappiness and not feel personally attacked. So her partner shuts down. He retreats in his proverbial cave. He may do that by tuning her out, physically leaving, or listening and quickly returning his focus on a friendlier topic. Of course, it does nothing to resolve the issue at hand, but let’s face it, running for the hills until she’s in a happier place can look very appealing at times!

If he continues to strive to avoid her emotionalism and consistently retreats to his cave until the coast is clear, his wife, feeling completely unheard, will grow more and more frustrated and she’s likely to continue expressing her unhappiness with more and more passion.

Until she stops.

On her side, this signals that the relationship is over. Emotionally, she has given up and disengaged. She’s done.

From his perspective, the relationship just took a turn for the better. He misinterprets this silence to mean that everything is OK. The “nagging and complaining” has stopped and there is peace! She seems to be doing things to make herself happy and she has ceased to focus on what’s not working in their marriage. Life is good again.

He could not be farther from the truth!

She’s planning her exit strategy! It may be quick or it make take years. But nevertheless she’s lost all hope that this marriage is workable and she’s preparing to walk. She might be going back to school or work if she wasn’t working outside the home previously or she might make career choices that will make the transition easier. She might find another love interest or become open to the idea, or she might shift her focus to more fulfilling family relationships like her children until the time is right.

When the day comes that she serves her husband divorce papers, he’s shocked. He thought things were great –maybe not great exactly, but good. This is coming out of the blue. Often, this is the point where he becomes very motivated to address what was not working in the marriage and he’s baffled to hear that she has no interest in repairing the marriage. She left emotionally a long time ago. She has worked through many of her feelings and although she may have more grieving to do, she’s way beyond turning back.

The irony here is that sometimes, this will be the trigger for him to change and adopt different behaviors and different beliefs. And if he moves on to another marriage, he may have become the man his first wife had hope he would be, which can be a source of sadness or anger for his ex-wife –but that’s another story.

The bottom line is that when it comes to marriage, silence is deadly, not golden. As uncomfortable as addressing the issues affecting our marriages may be, repeatedly running for the hills is often the surest way to get her to run for the door.

To your continued success,

James

Liked This Post? Subscribe and Get my Thought of The Week Newsletter directly in your inbox! (You’ll also get a free copy of my “Emotional Mastery” training and my Free Special Report “5 Steps to Stop Procrastinating“)

Be a better lover!

in , , ,

Want to be a better lover? Want your partner to love you in a way that really matters to you? 

Understand Your Partner’s  “Love Languages” to Create a Better Relationship

Gary Chapman has a great book called, “The 5 Love Languages” The premise of the book is that we all experience Love in five general ways or “languages”.

I have converted the 5 Love Languages into a simple acronym easy to remember: The 5 “T’s.” We can love people through:

    • Time: as in spending time with our loved one.  It could be just being in the presence of the other person or doing something fun together.
    • Touch: as in being physically affectionate; whether it be in a sexual way or not. It could be a kiss or a simple hand on someone’s back.
    • Tell:  as in telling your loved ones verbally how much they mean to you.  You might text, send a card, leave a voice message for instance.
    • Buy Things:  as in buying any type of gifts.  It’s important to note that it is the act of thinking about the person, finding the right gift, and trying to make your loved one happy that is the act of love that matters here, not the actual gift itself.
    • Do Things: as in doing something that will make your loved one’s life easier or more pleasant.  It could be making an extra cup of coffee, running to the store of your own accord because you notice something is needed, or going to an event that you might not have an interest in, but that matters to your loved one.

Although we may feel loved when we experience any one of those “languages”, most of us have a couple of preferred languages. Instinctively, we tend to love others in our language instead of theirs.  

Have you ever been baffled to find your loved one unmoved by your loving words or your affectionate touch because he or she is annoyed at the fact that you haven’t brought the trash in?  This miscommunication can happen in any type of relationship; with your kids, with your spouse, with your parents.

Imagine… you come back from vacation with a gift for son which you thought  was the perfect gift for him, he looks at you and gives you a polite smile but you can tell he’s unmoved and proceeds to ask you to sit and watch him play his latest video game.  You’re tired and anxious to unpack so you put it off for later and he runs off to play.  He never felt loved by you getting him the shirt, and you felt more guilty than loved by his wanting to spend time with you.

Sounds vaguely familiar?

While we all understand intellectually that each language is an expression of love, we truly feel loved when that love is expressed in our own dominant language.

So, how do you tell what your Lover’s Love Language is?

Simple. Ask the question:  “When have you known you were loved the most?”  Ask a couple of times and get a couple of different examples. The answers will tell you what speaks their Language the loudest.

I asked my son that question when he was six and he responded, “When we snuggle and cuddle on the couch watching movies.”  He is a Time and Touch” person. Just that simple. Knowing that, we switched from candy in his Easter basket, to coupons for extra reading time together, movies, or guy night.  My daughter on the other hand, can pass on the Touch, but feels genuinely touched when I take the time to think of her while I’m away and get her a trinket.  And she herself spends ours making “gifts” for the rest of the family. As for my wife, I can skip the flowers without worry, and drive the kids to school instead, or fill up her car up with gas. She’s clearly a “Do” person.

And as far as you being loved in your love language, simply tell your loved one what makes you feel most loved.  And when he or she loves you in that language, respond and reaffirm the love in theirs. By reciprocating, you will be communicating in a way that deepens your relationship.

On Valentine’s Day, find out each other’s love language!  Not only you will learn something, but it might just put the spark back in your love life!  Give it a try!

Liked This Article? Subscribe and Get my Thought of The Week Newsletter directly in your inbox! (You’ll also get a free copy of my “Emotional Mastery” training and my Free Special Report “5 Steps to Stop Procrastinating“)

Tips For a Better Relationship…Think Zen

in , ,

Stillness is what creates love. Movement is what creates life. To be still and still moving – this is everything. -Do Hyun Choe

In the stillness, we can most easily connect with our true self. Putting movement in our lives creates energy and emotion…uniting the two as one allows God to flow through us! That is how to make a difference in the world and live a life of purpose.

When we can appreciate all that our mate is right now in this moment, know they are enough and perfect for us to move through this life with, we can then lead, guide and move the relationship forward to create more, have more, be more, and do more because there is a foundation of unconditional love.

Look at your wife today and see that she is perfect in this moment. Do so with all of her strengths (which are your weaknesses as a man) and her weaknesses (which are your strengths…don’t play those against her!)…Tell her that she is enough right now in this moment. She is perfect in who she is and will become…Revel in her beauty and feminine energy.

Then lead and guide the relationship to have new experiences, new shared common interests, date her again…and see what happens in your relationship.

Tips For a Better Relationship… Opposites attract

in , ,

When it comes to relationships sometimes what attracts our partner to us the most is the area that we are weakest in.

An introvert attracts an extrovert or an organized person attracts a disorganized person.

Relationships start to lose energy when the focus is shifted to how the other person is not the same as yourself instead of remembering to respect how the differences bring balance.

It takes a strong, centered person to live with a person who it is possible to see all of their weaknesses in. It takes an even stronger person to respect and appreciate them (even when sometimes they are the most frustrating!)

The secret behind passion in a relationship is that opposites attract. Would there be any passion in a relationship where you were married to yourself? AUGH!

The greater the differences, the greater respect for those differences, the greater the polarity and energy in the relationship and the greater the passion!

 

Pull out the Fix-It Hammer Second, not First!

in , ,

How many times has something been broken, and when our first solution for fixing the problem doesn’t work, we result to brute force? This rarely works, and usually produces results that are the exact opposite of what we are trying to accomplish. But, in that moment, losing ourselves to the frustration feels great! I personally am always tempted to reach for my hammer when dealing with problems that arise with my computer! You’re probably found yourself in a similar situation on more than one occasion.

However, when it comes to handling issues in our relationships this communication model just does not work! You’ve heard it before – men tend to jump straight to problem solving mode. When something is broken we jump right in and want to fix the problem. Women, however, want and need to be understood first. No wonder conflicts in communication occur given the different needs of men and women.

Emotional states are not rational. They are not supposed to make sense. Every emotional state that a person has is “perfect.” It reminds me of the Tom Cruise movie, “The Last Samurai.” At one point Tom Cruise’s character is standing in a garden with his captor and they are discussing philosophy. His captor says, “Men spend their whole life trying to find the perfect cherry blossom.” At the end of the movie Tom Cruise has befriended his captor and in the last moments before his captor dies, they flash to pictures of a cherry tree and its blossoms, and his captor states, “They are all perfect.”

Validating a person’s emotions builds understanding; it is not what is said but what is felt that is the building block of communication. Regardless of who you’re communicating with (be it man or woman), your communication will be enhanced by remembering that “Validation of the other person’s emotional states always precedes resolution and problem solving.”

In almost any communication where there is disagreement, it is because one person is searching for solution and another for validation. Or alternatively, the argument arises because neither person feels they are being validated by the other. Validation from both parties always needs to come before the solution if you want to have truly fulfilling relationships.

Let’s look at an example: For two weeks Tom comes home directly from work and is on time for dinner. After two weeks of being on time, during the third week he is late one night. He comes in the front door, to be greeted by his wife Jen, who says something like, “Why are you always late and never home on time? Why can’t I trust you to do what you say you are going to do?”

Some people in Tom’s position might jump straight to “solution mode” and respond without validation – “What do you mean, I have been on time for the last two weeks and I’m late just this one time and I get all of this flack! What do you mean you can’t trust me? Next time I will call before I leave work so you know when I will be home. How is that? OK?” I think we can all agree that’s not likely to calm Jen’s state of mind!

However, if Tom responds by putting himself in Jen’s shoes, remembering that her feelings are driving the situation, and responds by validating them, he will get a better response. He might say: “I know you’ve had a long and crazy day today. The last thing you needed was my coming in late. I know you have a ton on your plate. I’m sorry I didn’t get home earlier.”

Then, and only then, can Tom give into his need to find a solution – Jen is now feeling that he understands her frustration, and is now open to hearing any of Tom’s solutions:

  • “I promise next time I will call when I am going to be late.”
  • “Let’s get a babysitter on Friday and have a night out just the two of us.”
  • “Can I take the kids for a few hours on Saturday so you can take some time out for yourself for a change?”
  • “Let’s just order take-out tomorrow and take a night off from cooking?”

What would that do to enhance the communication between Tom and Jen?

Keep in mind, you do not need to agree with the other person’s beliefs/emotions, tell them they are right or wrong, or violate your own personal beliefs in order to validate someone else’s feelings and perspective. Validation can occur even if you don’t accept their way of thinking or believe it makes sense. Tom may believe that Jen is overreacting, but that doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate and acknowledge what has contributed to her emotional state. You can still validate each other’s position, agree to disagree on a subject, and still keep the love and respect between each other.

Next time, reach for validation first, and search for a solution second. You will be astounded at the positive shift that will occur in your relationships.
Liked This Article?  Subscribe and Get my Thought of The Week Newsletter directly in your inbox!  (You’ll also get a free copy of my “Emotional Mastery” training and my Free Special Report “5 Steps to Stop Procrastinating“)

Improve Your Relationships – It’s All About Your Communication

in ,

Hallelujah ~ Praise the Lord!

Have you heard the one about the priest who trained his horse to “stop” by saying “Hallelujah”, and “go” by saying “Praise the lord?”

He went riding one day and a snake spooked his horse. The horse became terrified and took off at a full gallop. The horse was so frightened that it didn’t realize it was headed straight for the edge of a cliff. As the priest yelled, “Whoah, Jesus, Stop” and a few other choice sayings to no avail, the horse just kept charging straight for the edge of the cliff. Suddenly, the priest remembered the command for “Stop” and yelled, “Hallelujah” at the top of his lungs. Miraculously, the horse stopped just in time to keep from plunging to certain death. Relieved, the priest exclaimed, “Praise the Lord!”

How often do we forget how important positive, productive, communication is to any relationship?

It can lead a relationship to certain death or raise it to the highest levels of emotional passion.

I have a saying, “In the absence of communication and knowledge, the mind has free reign to wander.” It is dangerous for the mind to wander because it is in that place that people start to ASS-U-ME things. And we all know that assuming makes an “ASS” out of “U” and “ME.”

Why don’t people communicate more? I think it is a lack of safety. In the parent child relationship, how often is the child encouraged to be expressive, to challenge an opinion, to share their different thoughts and emotions? As a kid, were you encouraged in that manner?

How can we provide more safety in our communications with others? How can we create an easy, warm, loving environment where speaking and communicating are encouraged?

My solution is to keep one simple component in mind. No matter how the communication is happening, whether you agree, disagree, yell, scream, talk silently, write it out on paper; never have the love go away.

How can we communicate and never have the love go away? Here are some tips:


1. Address the behavior and not the person. That person is not selfish, instead you have interpreted their actions to be selfish. The person is not their behavior.

2. Understand that the other perspective is just as valid as yours and try it on for size. Walk a mile in their shoes with their beliefs and understand where they are coming from. Be empathetic.

3. Agree to disagree if necessary and have it all be OK.

4. When you both disagree, find a win-win that is a compromise on both sidets. Never seek absolutes because then it becomes a power struggle.

5. Create a safe environment and rules for communicating if necessary. Create a talking stick, like in the Native American cultures, have a pair of safety chairs, and never threaten the other person during a conversation.

6. Pick your battles carefully. Don’t lose the war over a battle in the moment.

7. Stay focused on the real outcome you want to achieve. How many times at the end of an argument you find yourself forgetting what started the whole thing to begin with? Stay on track.

8. The solution/compromise will not be found until both parties feel understood, validated, and their opinions are respected. Solutions come second, understanding feelings, beliefs and perspectives come first.

9. Say it the way you want it to be.

Communication leaves a person in one of two places: it leaves us feeling closer or leaves us feeling farther apart.

Malcolm Forbes once stated, “It is always worthwhile to let others know of their worth.”

You don’t have to always have to agree with another person in order to find their value. I hope that you can continue to increase your levels of communication to a point where the other person always leaves knowing that even if you have disagreed, the love is always present.

Liked This Article? Subscribe and Get my Thought of The Week Newsletter directly in your inbox! (You’ll also get a free copy of my “Emotional Mastery” training and my Free Special Report “5 Steps to Stop Procrastinating“)

Focus On Your Relationship & Marriage: The Greatest Aphrodisiac

in , , ,

You are probably wondering, “Is it an oyster that he is talking about this week? Is it an ointment? Is it something sexy from that shop down the street?” Wrong answers, try again.

One morning last week I found myself in a deep conversation with my wife and it was going down a direction that I was a little scared to go. We were not arguing, because we never argue in our relationship, we just have “opportunities for discussion.” (or at least, that’s what I choose to call them!)

We were having an opportunity to discuss something that brings all couples closer together, our finances. There is an old psychological test that was performed where they put a man in a room with a crying baby and his first reaction was to leave the room but for a woman their first reaction is to soothe the child. Well, my first reaction when the opportunity for discussion on finances came up was to not only leave the room, but run like away like Roger Bannister.

But, instead of just listening to my wife, (some guys only pretend to listen), I found myself engaging in the discussion and really disclosing some personal fears, ideas, and thoughts on the subject that I had never shared with her before. As for that matter, I had never even really stopped long enough myself to verbalize them to myself.

As we worked our way through the discussion and arrived at a solution was a deeper level of trust, respect, and commitment to one another. We both had a deeper understanding of what the other really thought, felt and believed. We accomplished this level of deep connection by providing the one another the chance to be safe while opening up and sharing.

I have always loved my wife dearly and it seems there is a pattern that I am most attracted to her after our opportunities for discussion. And reflecting on it now, it does not really seem to matter whether it was a topic that we agree on or not. Whether it is something that makes up both laugh, smile and enjoy, or something that brings frustration, challenge and disagreement, it doesn’t really matter.

It seems to me that the greatest aphrodisiac is communication. Yes, simply stated, open, safe, talking and listening. Truthful talking and listening with respect for your lovers thoughts, ideas, and deepest feelings. When was the last time you your and your lover talked in a deep intimate moment? When was the last time you really talked and listened in an intimate setting?

I encourage you to do so this week. See what happens! You may find yourself more attracted to your mate than ever. Don’t just listen…engage your partner in an intimate discussion about anything. I will leave the rest of the details to you.