5 Strategies to fight off stress, anxiety and growing irritation during the current Coronavirus pandemic

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Stay calm and fight off stress, anxiety, and irritation during Coronavirus quarantine

Or… “how to not go off on the people you love and stay calm when you are in quarantine together”

Between the stress, anxiety and uncertainty the coronavirus (Covid-19) has brought to everyone’s life and the added strain of working from home, self-isolating or self-distancing, it can be a struggle to stay patient and calm with our loved ones at home. It’s easy to slide into a permanent state of irritation and moodiness, particularly when the days stretch on and on. Even with the best of intentions, quarantine doesn’t always bring out the best in us. Nerves can get frazzled and tempers can grow shorter, no matter what our normal temperament’s baseline is.

But even in a crisis, we have control over some things. Namely, we can control our emotional state and we can work to show up as the best “self”, “parent” or “spouse” we can. Here are my top 5 tips to show up as the “best you.”

First, the obvious: Make sure you feel good physically. 

Some basic self-care will go a long way to control your emotional state. Make sure you get an adequate amount of sleep (that’s not optional – there is no substitute for sleep), fuel your body a wide variety of nutrients-rich foods (code word for increase your intake of fruits and vegetables both in number and amount to ensure you get both the macros and micronutrients your body needs to feel its best) and get a minimum amount of exercise to keep your immune system humming normally (try to do an hour per day of moderate intensity exercise –it will boost your mood and your immune system).

Beyond the basics, here are some tips to help you keep your patience and wrangle in your temper in the days ahead.

 1- Stand at the gates of your mind

Know yourself and use the strategies that works for you.  For some people, reading about the coronavirus and Covid-19 brings them a sense of knowledge they find reassuring or comforting. Knowing is better than not knowing. But for others, consuming this information only adds to their anxiety and overwhelm. Be honest with yourself and determine how much information you need. One strategy is to limit yourself to this type of news to once a day in the morning for instance. 

Another very powerful strategy is to be very selective as to where you get your information from. Social media and traditional news channels are not always the most credible source. Get your information from the most direct, neutral sources you can. The World Health Organization, the CDC or Johns Hopkins can provide you the facts you need without editorializing or promoting a political agenda.

Ultimately, for most of us, no matter how much we might crave information, “standing at the gates of our mind” means periodically taking a break from the barrage of news so we can detach and recharge.

 2- Don’t reinvent the wheel

Although this crisis is unprecedented, this is not the first time you have experienced stress. Trying out new coping strategies in the midst of turmoil can be daunting, so double down on the strategies that have worked for you in the past. 

If you know going on a run or working out has a calming effect on you (and it’s feasible), fit in a few extra sessions throughout your week to burn off some of that excess nervous energy. If meditating has been effective in the past, be more diligent at fitting meditation and mindfulness sessions into your daily routine. Keep your CEO Morning Routine to stay focused on your business and finding opportunities.

For some, getting up before everyone else in the house and doing something for yourself to stay centered is a very effective strategy. Whether it’s making yourself a cup of coffee and getting a little bit of alone time to center yourself, getting some fresh air and sunlight before the busyness of the day starts, or spending that time journalling or writing down what your goals are for the day, taking a little time for yourself first thing in the morning can make a big difference in how you approach the rest of your day. 

 3- Use a pattern interrupt to stop yourself from losing it in the heat of the moment. 

When you feel the growing irritation and you feel yourself getting angry, use a pattern interrupt to delay your response to the person you want to address.

One of the most effective way to do that is to do a self check of your emotions. Are you actually angry about the situation? Is something your spouse or children doing truly driving you crazy because it’s going against one of your internal rules? Or are you displacing tension you feel about something else and placing it on this situation. Taking a minute to stop and do this self-checkin of your emotions, forces you to step back from your immediate response and analyze what is really going on. It might be that you are ytuly annoyed about what is going on, or you may find that frustration has been building up inside of you all day and it’s not at all about your loved ones’ behavior. Regardless, taking stock of where you are in your head, gives you a chance to delay your response so that when you do respond it is more intentional and less reactionary.

At times, interrupting the pattern might mean stopping yourself short by focusing on gratitude or using humor to relieve the tension.  It might not be your instinctive response, but just like a muscle, it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced until it can become your default response which will buy you time until you can think it through.

For instance, before you go off on your 10 year old for barging into your conference call, take a deep breath (from your belly) — and a few seconds– to direct your mind to notice what is good around you. Mentally list what you are grateful for in that moment. What is good about this? What is funny about this? Relax your face, breathe and reframe your thinking. 

If you can feel the anger, frustration or irritation still lying underneath the surface, start a conversation with someone about an unrelated topic, or make a phone call to someone who matters to you. By forcing your mind to change gears and your body to adopt a softer demeanor, you will give yourself a fighting chance to regain control and perspective about the situation. 

Delay your reaction and response to frustration. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Instead of giving your kids a Time Out, give yourself a Time Out to regain control when your patience runs thin. 

4- Take action

Part of the growing restlessness and irritability that comes with being under stress for prolonged periods of time is that our bodies are designed to respond to stress by producing chemicals to reduce pain and prompt action. It makes sense from an evolutionary background, faced with a bear, the rush of adrenaline to escape immediate danger is a good thing. But that same physical response doesn’t serve us very well when we are under chronic stress and perpetually stuck in close quarters with our loved ones. 

Instead of fighting the biological urge to do something and respond, go with it and take action. In the moment that might mean finding the most immediate solution and removing the current stressor like closing (and locking) the door so you can focus on your call and delay addressing your child. Or it can mean harnessing your emotions and frustration, and focusing them on something you have control over like making an action plan for your business, or starting on a home project. 

 5- Cultivate an attitude of compassion and gratitude 

If you do lose your cool, remember that compassion towards yourself is just as important as showing compassions to those around you. Recognize you let your emotions get the best of you, take responsibility for your words and actions, own the shame and guilt that comes with disappointing yourself and hurting the people you love, recommit to showing up better, and give yourself some grace. 

These are trying times and often it’s the little things that set us off. It’s the child who leaves the lights on, it’s the spouse that takes the last drop of coffee or the dog that barks during a conference call. Allow for some irritability and emotionalism both in yourself and those who share space with you. Recognize that everyone under your roof is adjusting to a new situation and it’s natural for your 5 year old to want you to play with him in the middle of the day for instance. Afterall, until recently, your being home meant you were “off” and available to read a book or play. Practicing compassion and empathy each day can help you keep in mind that your loved ones are doing what they’re doing because they are trying to meet their needs, and not intentionally trying to irritate you or stop you from doing what needs to be done. 

It’s easier to let things go with a few simple words, “please forgive me, I didn’t mean to…” accompanied by a short phrase of why you were stressed. Kids forgive and forget so easily, take it easy on yourself too.

Over the longer term, focusing on something other than your own life, whether it be volunteering or helping neighbors for instance, can also help you harness that excess tension and use it to make a difference for your community. 

Helping others can give you an outlet and be an effective antidote to the feelings of powerlessness or frustration you might experience in the face of this pandemic. It can provide you with a sense of higher purpose from which you can draw strength and perspective when the crisis drags on. And it can be a powerful  “compared to what” that keeps you centered on what matters. 

When anger and frustration strike, remember the effective strategies and coping tools you have used in the past. Bring them to life again, adjust where you need and add any new ones to fill in the gaps. 

You have problems, compared to what…?

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Bad Monday

Are you having a bad day? I thought I was one day last week. I was going to be late for an appointment and I was really frustrated since being late is one of my pet peeves. My frustration level grew as I turned off the highway and my forward progress came to a screeching halt. In front of me was an accident and a long line of backed up cars. As I took the detour in front of me, I snapped the picture you see in the post above. An interesting thing happened as I drove past this accident. Somehow, seeing the plight of this truck driver, putting myself in his shoes, and thinking about the phone call he was going to have to make to his boss put my problem (frustrated by being 10 minutes late) into perspective.

One of the greatest questions I ask clients when they are frustrated and angry at a problem in life is, “OK, its bad, but compared to what?” As human beings, it is easy to get wrapped up in OUR life, OUR problems, OUR perspectives, and OUR beliefs. To jumpstart the process of getting a person out of their OWN way so they can work to a solution, just ask, “Compared to what?” When we shift our attention to the plight of others, the challenges of others, the life circumstances of others (that we can relate too) it helps to put things into a different perspective. When you can shift your “referential index,” how you are referring to something, with a different perspective, it lessens the emotional impact so you can think more clear and see the opportunities to think or do something different.

It is not to be used as a justification for NOT doing something different but a means of getting unstuckk so you can find a new solution and take action to achieve a different outcome. Next time you are stuck and think something in your life really stinks…just state the problem and then ask yourself, “Ok, this stinks but compared to what?” So you thought you were having a bad day, compared to what?

In the end, my ten minutes late was nothing compared to the delays this driver faced, his boss faced, and their clients and their customers may have faced. It’s good to keep life in perspective.

If you are feeling stuck and frustrated with your job, career, relationships or finances…CALL today to schedule your Introductory Strategy Session to start moving forward again. (919) 792-0085

To your continued success,

James

There is a Miracle Pill after all…

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The next time you are sick and need to go to the doctor, try this miracle pill.  Although it is not yet approved by the FDA and not covered by insurance, it is still an amazing drug.

This miracle drug:

  • Releases endorphins in your body which are natural pain killers, they also boost your bodies’ natural immune system
  • Improves your blood circulation by naturally elevating your heart rate and blood pressure, which in turn, help to stimulate your heart and lungs
  • Improves oxygen flow into the bloodstream causing an natural increase in energy, mental clarity, and focus
  • And while you’re on it, it burns 78 times more calories than when you’re sitting at your normal resting heart rate

So, how much would you pay for an over the counter drug that provides all of that? Well, good news, it is FREE! Yes, FREE!

And NO, I’m not talking about exercise!

You know the old saying, “Laughter is the best medicine?” Literally, it is! The magic pill is laughter.

If you want to break the ice at work, learn a new joke. If you want to bring the family together, watch America’s Funniest Home Videos together. If you need to impress that special someone, nothing makes a date better than sharing a good laugh. If you want to increase the quality of your life, especially in these times, lighten up and laugh more.

Just to illustrate my point, when was the last time you had a really hard belly laugh? Can you even remember? Finding, telling, and mastering the art of telling good, honest, clean jokes can be learned by anyone! You will naturally become the hit of the party, improve your relationships and attract people to you while having FUN doing it!

“By the way, did you see the church bulletin last week? It read, “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Berth Belch all the way from Africa.”

 ~OR~

“A student was asked if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was all about. He answered that he thought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.”

~Jokes taken from “Healing through Humor,” by Charles Francis Hunter

Do you have some favorite jokes you’d like to share?  Post them below, we want to hear them!

Avoid This Networking Blunder: Don’t Ask This Question!

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Have you ever been out networking, meeting and greeting, and towards the end of your conversation with someone, they ask you, “So, how can I help you?”  What’s worse, have you been asking that question to people that you meet?

That is a dangerous question to ask for a couple of reasons.

One, it might be a clue that you may have been making the conversation all about you. The general rule of thumb is that a good networking meeting will consist of discussing yourself thirty percent of the time and engaging the other person to talk seventy percent of the time. If a conversation has been going great and that question pops out, perhaps you have been talking more than listening.

Two, if that’s not the case and they have shared a good bit of information about themselves or their business, it indicates that you either don’t truly understand what problems they face, or you don’t have a clue as to how you can help them.  Either way, it’s not good.

In the first instance, not only can it totally breaks rapport, but it puts the person on the spot and places them in a situation where they’re supposed to figure if and how they fit in your business model, instead of you focusing on the problems they encounter, understanding their needs, and showing them how you might be able to help.

Alternatively, if you do understand the problems they face, but still ask them how you can help them, you run the risk of appearing like you don’t know how to tackle their issues which is not likely to foster trust and ruin your credibility as an expert in your field.

The reality is, if you have been asking questions, getting the other person to speak to you and been engaged, you should be able to get a pretty good idea of their problems and challenges. People more often than not, will tell you at least a couple of areas where they can improve something in their business.  From there, you can pretty easily determine whether or not you can help that person.

If it’s a good fit, fantastic, forge ahead, but if you see that you cannot or do not know how to solve their problems, add value by connecting them with someone who can.  After all, that’s what networking is all about!

Do you have some networking tips?  Share the wealth!  Comment below!

Be a better lover!

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Want to be a better lover? Want your partner to love you in a way that really matters to you? 

Understand Your Partner’s  “Love Languages” to Create a Better Relationship

Gary Chapman has a great book called, “The 5 Love Languages” The premise of the book is that we all experience Love in five general ways or “languages”.

I have converted the 5 Love Languages into a simple acronym easy to remember: The 5 “T’s.” We can love people through:

    • Time: as in spending time with our loved one.  It could be just being in the presence of the other person or doing something fun together.
    • Touch: as in being physically affectionate; whether it be in a sexual way or not. It could be a kiss or a simple hand on someone’s back.
    • Tell:  as in telling your loved ones verbally how much they mean to you.  You might text, send a card, leave a voice message for instance.
    • Buy Things:  as in buying any type of gifts.  It’s important to note that it is the act of thinking about the person, finding the right gift, and trying to make your loved one happy that is the act of love that matters here, not the actual gift itself.
    • Do Things: as in doing something that will make your loved one’s life easier or more pleasant.  It could be making an extra cup of coffee, running to the store of your own accord because you notice something is needed, or going to an event that you might not have an interest in, but that matters to your loved one.

Although we may feel loved when we experience any one of those “languages”, most of us have a couple of preferred languages. Instinctively, we tend to love others in our language instead of theirs.  

Have you ever been baffled to find your loved one unmoved by your loving words or your affectionate touch because he or she is annoyed at the fact that you haven’t brought the trash in?  This miscommunication can happen in any type of relationship; with your kids, with your spouse, with your parents.

Imagine… you come back from vacation with a gift for son which you thought  was the perfect gift for him, he looks at you and gives you a polite smile but you can tell he’s unmoved and proceeds to ask you to sit and watch him play his latest video game.  You’re tired and anxious to unpack so you put it off for later and he runs off to play.  He never felt loved by you getting him the shirt, and you felt more guilty than loved by his wanting to spend time with you.

Sounds vaguely familiar?

While we all understand intellectually that each language is an expression of love, we truly feel loved when that love is expressed in our own dominant language.

So, how do you tell what your Lover’s Love Language is?

Simple. Ask the question:  “When have you known you were loved the most?”  Ask a couple of times and get a couple of different examples. The answers will tell you what speaks their Language the loudest.

I asked my son that question when he was six and he responded, “When we snuggle and cuddle on the couch watching movies.”  He is a Time and Touch” person. Just that simple. Knowing that, we switched from candy in his Easter basket, to coupons for extra reading time together, movies, or guy night.  My daughter on the other hand, can pass on the Touch, but feels genuinely touched when I take the time to think of her while I’m away and get her a trinket.  And she herself spends ours making “gifts” for the rest of the family. As for my wife, I can skip the flowers without worry, and drive the kids to school instead, or fill up her car up with gas. She’s clearly a “Do” person.

And as far as you being loved in your love language, simply tell your loved one what makes you feel most loved.  And when he or she loves you in that language, respond and reaffirm the love in theirs. By reciprocating, you will be communicating in a way that deepens your relationship.

On Valentine’s Day, find out each other’s love language!  Not only you will learn something, but it might just put the spark back in your love life!  Give it a try!

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Is Your Message Not Getting Through?

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Effective communication is one of the most challenging issues for anyone working in a team such as a business or organization.  With so many different personality types working together, trying to tailor your communication strategy to each one can be daunting.

The Compliment Sandwich method is a classic and effective tool that we often forget to use.  It is one of the easiest and most effective ways to communicate anything to any personality style.  The conversation will feel genuine and flow smoothly provided that the positive feedback/compliments are genuine and related to your concern(s), and that you do not overuse that technique so that your words don’t seem contrived.

The idea is to start with some positive feedback (the bread), followed by the issue you need to address (the meat of your message), and finish with another compliment or positive feedback (the second piece of bread).  The part that is most overlooked however is the verbiage you use in between the compliments and the main message itself.  Stay away from words like “but”, “although”, or “however”.  The immediate response to those words is defensiveness.  They directly void any positive feedback —however sincere— you started with.

Let’s say that you are having an issue with a team member spending an increasing amount of time at work on personal matters.  You might approach the person this way: 

“John,  We love having you as a part of this team.  Your idea at yesterday’s sales meeting was right on point! AND in fact it’s clear that you have a real impact on our corporate culture in the office; a lot of the junior associates take their cues from you.

So it’s crucial that you limit the time you spend on personal matters whether it be on the phone or online to the times when you are officially on break.  

I know how committed you have been to this organization and I appreciate all your work especially for this last project.  It made a difference.”

Now, let’s add one more concept into the process. There are three different types of postures you can adopt when communicating with someone: authoritative, participative, or subordinate. An authoritative posture is always direct and to the point: “it’s crucial that you do xyz”.  Your main message —the meat of the sandwich— is ALWAYS authoritative so the corrective action is clear and concise. The positive feedbacks or compliments —the bread— are  ALWAYS participative: “We love you being part of the team”.  You are not posturing down or up, you are simply delivering a genuine compliment as one person to another.

We always have a choice on how we

To your continued success,
James